Home » Ask Dr. Mike » Currently Reading:

Ask Dr. Mike

June 9, 2011 by Blue Ridge Leader filed under Ask Dr. Mike No Comments
Michael_Pic

Dr. Mike,

My husband and I parent pretty well together; however, he has a difficult time saying “no” to our 2 year old son when our son wants something. So if we’re at a store or a restaurant, or anywhere for that matter, he will immediately relent to the escalating demands of our child and purchase items. Last night, for example, my husband purchased a rubber ball for our son while grocery shopping, even though our son has plenty of balls at home. I fear that we’re teaching our boy to be spoiled and entitled. I’ve brought my concerns to my husband who has told me that I am overreacting to his behavior.

M

M,

It is never too young to set limits with our children. By setting limits, your child will learn to know what is expected of him and others and what is realistic alongside his wants and needs. By over indulging or over gratifying your son’s needs, he will learn that there are no limits; that he can essentially have whatever he wants whenever he wants it if he complains long enough. Even at 2 year’s of age, your son should already be experiencing some frustration and tolerance to frustration, which in turn will assist him in his emotional and social development, as well as his behaviors. You write that you and your husband parent well together aside from this one area, so I would sit down with him and express your concerns again. This time, I would use concrete examples where your son has already experienced disappointment and frustration in different ways and has been better off for it. Some examples might include, the bedtime routine, using a baby bottle or pacifier, attending preschool, etc. Can you imagine if your son ended up in your bed every time he cried at night during his first year? As an infant, by allowing your son to cry for short periods of time, he learned to self-regulate and sleep successfully on his own and eventually through the night. By not always purchasing what your son desires, you are giving him the same opportunity to struggle, self regulate and master a developmental task.

Dr. Mike,

Our daughter recently graduated from college and has returned home to live with us until she finds a job. We are glad she’s home, and while she graduated with honors, and we are so very proud of her, we have some concerns about our current arrangement. It seems our daughter feels she can come and go as she pleases, with no curfew or real expectations. She also tends to sleep in late and does little to help out. We do see her looking for a job, but we already feel things need to change, especially if we are going to continue to pay for her gas, give her spending money and afford her free room and board. How did we get ourselves in this situation? Help!

A

A,

You should know that more and more young adults, a.k.a. Boomerang Kids, are returning home after college, so you and your husband are hardly alone. In fact, studies have found that the average age for young adults to leave home is now around 25 years of age. The average age for marriage is also increasing and is around 30 years of age. Not surprisingly, the economy appears to be the main factor for why our children are blooming later in life. The old pattern of getting your college degree, entering into a career, living independently and getting married is no longer occurring in the straight line it did for you or your husband’s generation.

I think the first thing you should do is sit down with your husband and come up with a well defined game plan since you both need to be in agreement with your expectations of your daughter before talking to her. I would then have a serious discussion with your daughter, which should involve expectations – chores, curfew, spending the night out, etc. You should also discuss setting a time limit for when your daughter will live independently. You might also consider asking your daughter to pay rent or at the very least contribute to the household expenses once she begins working. By encouraging financial accountability in your daughter, you are preparing her toward independent living. Your daughter may have some general expectations of you, and I would respectfully encourage you to listen to her and to find the compromise, of course within reason. You are clearly very proud of your daughter for her accomplishments, and she needs to continue to know that and to feel good about being home. With improved communication, your daughter’s return home shouldn’t be an emotional or financial drain. If handled well, this should be yet another positive chapter in your lives as parents.

Dr. Mike,

With pool season coming, I am getting nervous about showing my body at the pool in a bathing suit. I have three children and will be expected to be at the pool often, but I am very self-conscious about my weight. Last season, my discomfort with my body was so great that I wore a wrap and mostly read in the shade. I wanted to get in the pool and splash around with my children and husband but just couldn’t bring myself around to it. I know my children and husband were disappointed that I didn’t join them in the pool. My husband says he loves me just the way I am, but it’s hard to look at some of the other mom’s at the pool who are so fit.

H

H,

Everyone is insecure about something. For you it’s your body, and while I respect your body image anxieties, I also assure you that the fit mom’s at your pool have insecurities of their own. The most important thing for you to do is accept yourself for who you are with all of your strengths and weaknesses. Again, I respect your problem; however, I don’t respect the shame and embarrassment you feel about yourself. I recommend you challenge your negative thinking with an action plan that includes eating healthily and exercising. Of course, your action plan should be realistic with short term attainable weight loss goals. I would also gradually expose yourself to the thing you fear most – wearing a bathing suit in public. Perhaps you can begin by purchasing a new bathing suit and one you feel most comfortable in. I would then wear that bathing suit in the presence of your husband only (e.g., in your bedroom). You can then try wearing the bathing suit in the presence of your children (e.g., if you have a back deck, you can casually sun bathe on your deck). Once you have the confidence of wearing your bathing suit with your family, I recommend going to the pool when it isn’t too busy. By having an action plan and by gradually exposing yourself to others in your bathing suit, you should begin to experience yourself more positively and your shame and embarrassment should dissipate. With consistent effort, I am hopeful that you will grow to have a great summer in the pool with your husband and children!

Dr. Mike,

My husband and I recently discovered a six pack of beer in our 17 year old son’s closet. Needless to say, we were pretty upset. It’s the end of the school year, and we want him to get through it successfully, so we haven’t said anything to him yet. He’s a good student, athletic and is social and well liked. We truly don’t believe he has problem with drinking or drug use, but the beer came as a shock to us, so maybe we’re just naïve parents. Thanks for your help.

K

K,

I take it from your letter that you left the beer in his room? While I do not know your son or whether or not he has a drinking problem, I do know that 6 beers are more than enough to intoxicate him. I would confiscate the beer and have a talk with him immediately. As you write, you and your husband are upset with him, and I would let him know that. I would also maintain a calm manner so that you can listen to what he has to say for himself. Learn as much as you can about the beer – where he got it, if he’s consumed alcohol or drugs before, etc. The conversation with your son shouldn’t just be about punishment, since it is just as important for you to gauge whether or not your son is in a bad place or has a problem. If you and your husband do not feel that your son is being truthful with you, I recommend scheduling a consultation with a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist. Your son may or may not have a big problem, but a psychologist or psychiatrist should be able to get to the bottom of things quickly if you cannot. I would not put the conversation off until the end of the school year since I think the matter is serious enough to be handled now.

Dr. Michael Oberschneider “Dr. Mike” is the Founder and Director of Ashburn Psychological Services (APS), a private mental health clinic comprised of 12 MD and PhD level mental health clinicians. He and his team are here to serve our Loudoun children, teens and adults. To learn more about Dr. Mike and the APS team, visit: www.ashburnpsych.com or 703-723-2999.

Comment on this article


By commenting, you agree to abide by our Terms of Service.


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Columns

A Habitable Planet

habitable_2

“At the moments when we are able to separate ourselves from our daily concerns and ponder deeply, most of us have encountered fundamental questions of our existence as human beings. Where do we come from? What happened before humans appeared …

Choose Joy, Don’t Go Negative

Lunde new

Sometimes life is pleasant and it is easy to smile, other times it is not. The real question is how do you react and live your life when you are going through trials? What do you do when you feel …

Character Outlives Us All

moore-sobelnewmug

“Brains are like muscles, you can rent them by the hour, but at the end of the day all you have left is your character.” This statement was uttered by Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, a phrase his father used …

Foxridge Park

Just Like Nothing (Else) On Earth- Foxridge Park-1

You know, I can still taste those sausages: The first early-spring bratwurst cooked over an open flame in a beautiful setting among good friends; nothing so surprising, really, in recalling a good meal in classic context. The thing is, though …

Planning for Life Disclosure and Other Family Issues in Estate Planning

Smith0035

What do we tell the kids? Questions of how much and what type of information to give the children often arise during consultation. The answers depend on the circumstances of each family – the ages and maturity of the children …

A Look Into What Is Learned in High School English

Lunde new

By Mary Rose Lunde English is the arguably the most important subject for a student in high school to learn. The most successful people in the world have one thing in common — being able to communicate effectively. This is …

Editorial

Grief and Greed

blueridge2

By Matthew Parse What would drive a single individual to cause so much emotional stress and financial burden on hundreds, if not, thousands of families? What would drive the Town …

Op-ed

Oh No, It’s the Christians!

blueridge2

By Nicholas Reid In the hours and days following every massacre perpetrated by radical Muslims, there is one unifying theme across most news coverage of the massacre, wherever it may …

Dear Editor

Isn’t Loudoun Better Than This?

blueridge2

More than forty years I have watched a rising tide of development flowing from the east across Loudoun. Once it was thought the western mountains would be spared the flood. …

View From the Ridge

An Open Letter to the Citizens of Purcellville

blueridge2

Mark Your Calendar, They’ve Asked for Our Input So Let’s Give It To Them By Steady and Nobull The Purcellville Planning Commission has tentatively scheduled a series of public input …

Student News

Four Scouts Achieve Eagle Scout Rank

3 Feb 2016

eaglescout

Joel Gicker, Kyle Siecker, Sam Soltis and David Watson achieved the rank of Eagle Scout at a Court of Honor conducted at Blue Ridge Bible Church in Purcellville on January 9. The four Eagles are members of Troop 711 of …

(Be the first to comment)

8th Grade Writers Honored At Blue Ridge Middle School

2 Jul 2015

blueridgemiddleschool

Sixty-seven Blue Ridge Middle School eighth graders have been honored for their writing during the 2014-2015 school year. Many students had their writing selected for publication by Creative Communication, a program for student writers, while others won county-wide writing contests. …

(Be the first to comment)

Ben Kellogg Achieves Eagle Scout

1 Jul 2015

benkellog

Benjamin Robert Kellogg achieved the rank of Eagle Scout at a Court of Honor conducted at St. Andrew’s Presbyterian Church in Purcellville on March 29. Friends, family and troop leaders attended the celebration, including his parents, Robert and Deirdre Kellogg. …

(Be the first to comment)

Calendar

May 2016
M T W T F S S
25 26 27

Hamilton Town Hall

28 29

CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG at Franklin Park Arts Center

30

Lobster Day with Chef Seb at North Gate Vineyard

CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG at Franklin Park Arts Center

1

Sea & Sky – an exhibit by copper artist Anne Jordan and mixed media artist Karen Watson

Spring Wine Glass Painting with Penny

2

Sea & Sky – an exhibit by copper artist Anne Jordan and mixed media artist Karen Watson

3

Sea & Sky – an exhibit by copper artist Anne Jordan and mixed media artist Karen Watson

4

Sea & Sky – an exhibit by copper artist Anne Jordan and mixed media artist Karen Watson

5

Sea & Sky – an exhibit by copper artist Anne Jordan and mixed media artist Karen Watson

6

Sea & Sky – an exhibit by copper artist Anne Jordan and mixed media artist Karen Watson

TGIF @ North Gate Vineyard!

7

Sea & Sky – an exhibit by copper artist Anne Jordan and mixed media artist Karen Watson

The Sprouted Spoon Food Truck at North Gate Vineyard

Nathaniel Davis Live at North Gate Vineyard

Notaviva Vineyards - Bluegrass Jam - FREE event

8

Sea & Sky – an exhibit by copper artist Anne Jordan and mixed media artist Karen Watson

Celebrate Mother's Day at North Gate Vineyard!

Mother's Day Brunch at Breaux

9

Sea & Sky – an exhibit by copper artist Anne Jordan and mixed media artist Karen Watson

10

Sea & Sky – an exhibit by copper artist Anne Jordan and mixed media artist Karen Watson

11

Sea & Sky – an exhibit by copper artist Anne Jordan and mixed media artist Karen Watson

12

Sea & Sky – an exhibit by copper artist Anne Jordan and mixed media artist Karen Watson

13

Sea & Sky – an exhibit by copper artist Anne Jordan and mixed media artist Karen Watson

14

Sea & Sky – an exhibit by copper artist Anne Jordan and mixed media artist Karen Watson

Dog Day at Breaux Vineyards

15

Sea & Sky – an exhibit by copper artist Anne Jordan and mixed media artist Karen Watson

16

Sea & Sky – an exhibit by copper artist Anne Jordan and mixed media artist Karen Watson

17

Sea & Sky – an exhibit by copper artist Anne Jordan and mixed media artist Karen Watson

18

Sea & Sky – an exhibit by copper artist Anne Jordan and mixed media artist Karen Watson

19

Sea & Sky – an exhibit by copper artist Anne Jordan and mixed media artist Karen Watson

Senior Caregiver Training

Hillsboro Ruritan Club Dinner Meeting

20

Sea & Sky – an exhibit by copper artist Anne Jordan and mixed media artist Karen Watson

Strawberry Afternoon Tea

21

Sea & Sky – an exhibit by copper artist Anne Jordan and mixed media artist Karen Watson

Strawberry Afternoon Tea

22

Sea & Sky – an exhibit by copper artist Anne Jordan and mixed media artist Karen Watson

Land Trust of Virginia Annual Garden Party

BRASS EXTRAVAGANZA

Waterford Concert

23

Sea & Sky – an exhibit by copper artist Anne Jordan and mixed media artist Karen Watson

24

Sea & Sky – an exhibit by copper artist Anne Jordan and mixed media artist Karen Watson

25

Sea & Sky – an exhibit by copper artist Anne Jordan and mixed media artist Karen Watson

26

Sea & Sky – an exhibit by copper artist Anne Jordan and mixed media artist Karen Watson

27

Sea & Sky – an exhibit by copper artist Anne Jordan and mixed media artist Karen Watson

28

Sea & Sky – an exhibit by copper artist Anne Jordan and mixed media artist Karen Watson

A Taste of Paris and View of Normandy at Breaux Vineyards

Annie Stokes Live at North Gate Vineyard

29

Sea & Sky – an exhibit by copper artist Anne Jordan and mixed media artist Karen Watson

Paella by Carlos at North Gate Vineyard

30

Sea & Sky – an exhibit by copper artist Anne Jordan and mixed media artist Karen Watson

31

Sea & Sky – an exhibit by copper artist Anne Jordan and mixed media artist Karen Watson

1

It’s a Beach Thing . . . featuring lamp-work glass artist Julie Bahun and abstract painter Karen Hutchison

2

It’s a Beach Thing . . . featuring lamp-work glass artist Julie Bahun and abstract painter Karen Hutchison

Free Gardening Lecture

3

It’s a Beach Thing . . . featuring lamp-work glass artist Julie Bahun and abstract painter Karen Hutchison

4

It’s a Beach Thing . . . featuring lamp-work glass artist Julie Bahun and abstract painter Karen Hutchison

Yard Sale

Notaviva Vineyards - Bluegrass Jam - FREE event

PAUL REISLER TRIO WITH LEA MORRIS AND MARSHALL KEYS

5

It’s a Beach Thing . . . featuring lamp-work glass artist Julie Bahun and abstract painter Karen Hutchison

Current Print Issue:
Sign up for our email newsletter:

Recent Comments

Lifestyle

Movies in the Park Return to Ida Lee This Summer

25 May 2016

Leesburg01

“101 Dalmatians” kicks off the season on Thursday, May 26. Get the popcorn ready! The Town of Leesburg will once again be hosting Movies in the Park this summer. This free series will feature an evening movie on the third Thursday of each month throughout the summer, hosted at Ida Lee Park.

(Be the first to comment)

New Concert Series Comes to Purcellville

20 May 2016

brianganz150

On Sunday, June 5 at 4:00 p.m., internationally recognized pianist Brian Ganz will present an all-Chopin recital at St. Andrew Presbyterian Church, 711 W. Main Street in Purcellville. The recital will feature several of Frédéric Chopin’s studies for solo piano, including the renowned “Revolutionary” Etude, among other works by the Romantic master. Ganz, who recently moved to Purcellville from Annapolis, …

(Be the first to comment)

Eucharistic Procession To Pass Through Leesburg May 29

20 May 2016

Eucharist

– By Mark Gunderman Each year, Catholics around the world celebrate the Feast of Corpus Christi (Latin for Body of Christ), symbolizing their belief in the Real Presence of Jesus Christ in the Eucharist. In the United States, the celebration of Corpus Christi is held on the Sunday after Trinity Sunday. This is a time when Catholics can demonstrate their …

(Be the first to comment)

Around Virginia

Out and About Loudoun and Beyond

The Plains’ charming restaurants, shops and sidewalks.

Five Stone’s Throw Spring and Summer Destinations By Andrea Gaines Bordered by the Potomac River to the north and beautiful mountains to the west – and with easy access to Rt. 95, the Dulles Toll Road and Route 66 – Loudouners have no short list of fun spring places to …

(Be the first to comment)

Update: Remains Located in Shenandoah National Park; Search Efforts Suspended

VSP Photo - 4-21-16 Whiteoak Canyon Trail Entrance VSP

Update: Body preliminarily identified as Nicole K. Mittendorff, 31, of Woodbridge. The physical and digital evidence collected during the course of this investigation includes a note recovered from the car leads investigators to believe there was no foul play involved in her death. ——————– Search efforts in the Shenandoah National …

(Be the first to comment)

Virginia Trooper Shot and Killed at Richmond Bus Terminal

Tpr Dermyer Patrol Car in front of VSP SPHQ

A Virginia State Police trooper has died as a result of his injuries after being shot on March 31 at the Greyhound Bus station in the 2900 block of North Boulevard in Richmond. At approximately 2:40 p.m., Virginia State Police Trooper Chad P. Dermyer approached a male subject just inside …

(Be the first to comment)

Sports

Western Loudon Volleyball Club “Hitmen” Team Finishes Second

3 Feb 2016

westernloudounvolleyballclub

The Western Loudon Volleyball Club U14 boys team, called the “Hitmen,” finished second in a tournament held January 17. This is the first ever boys team for the WLVBC (and only the second boys club in the area). Coach Allan Kotmel led the seven-member team. WLVBC started eight years ago, …

(Be the first to comment)

ODFC West Travel Soccer Program Shines

2 Dec 2015

ODFCsoccerpics

The Old Dominion Football Club West boys and girls middle school travel soccer program scored big the weekend of November 21 and 22.  The girls Quest Premier 22 team took home the championship in the U12 Girls Premier Division of the Hunt Country Classic located in Fauquier County. The boys …

(Be the first to comment)

Archives

  • +2016
  • +2015
  • +2014
  • +2013
  • +2012
  • +2011
  • +2010
  • +2009